Je déteste les mouchoirs.
I’m not saying I’m completely opposed to a little embellishment here and there for the purpose of a good anecdote, or for a little good natured trickery – even though said trickery is often directed at me…. the problem being, I trust a person until they give me a reason not to. I’ve always started with the assumption that one is more likely to tell the truth and be honest rather than lie and be deceitful. Hence, to the seasoned trickster, I can appear extremely gullible.
For example, when I was about 10 years old and had just sat down in class eager and ready to learn, the teacher, who I will call McChief-Trickster, announced we had an impromptu test. Queue all the kids slumping into their chairs and yelling, “Nooooo sir, that is so unfair!” – the exception being me, proclaiming an excited, “YES!” and resisting the urge to do a little happy dance.
After 3 or 4 questions, all relating to recent course material [i.e this test seemed legit], McChief-Trickster asks, “Please write down the name of the boy or girl that you like at the moment.” I was utterly confused as to why this was a question in the test, but I wasn’t about to risk losing a mark, so without too much hesitation, I wrote the name down of one of the boys from class whom I thought was cute and one of the least annoying ones. Of course, most of the class started shouting out: “You’re kidding right?!” or “I’m not doing that!” Until McChief-Trickster yelled, in his chiefy trickstery way, “April Fool’s Day… pencils down class!” His belly wobbled a bit at the result of his proud laughter at having tricked a bunch of 10 year olds.
Laughter also sets in amongst my classmates at the realisation they had all been fooled and then there was a unison sigh of relief at it in fact not being a real test. Meanwhile, I was completely outraged firstly by the latter point, but also by the fact that I had been undoubtably tricked by McChief-Trickster – at which point the shoeless kid [I went to primary school in north Queensland] next to me yelled, “Oh my god, McAwkward wrote her crush down!”
This resulted in about 3 or 4 boys trying to grab my fake test paper to see who they could tease me about. I was so above crushes and boys, I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone reading the answer. So… I ate it. Yes – I ate the piece of paper.
However, despite that fact that lies for the purpose of good natured trickery has on occasion caused me to eat test papers, I can still see the purpose of bending the truth every now and then for amusement or entertainment.
But not including these types of situations, where the act of lying is purely for amusement, trickery or for anecdotal purposes etc, why has society progressed in such a way where sooo many people insist on lying!
Of course, everyone has lied at one point or another (and on a daily basis according to google). None of us are perfect, and even the best of us have done it… that’s right, even I have lied – which I guess makes me a hypocrite.
There are three lies I have told that haunt me to this very day (testament to the fact that telling lies will EAT YOU UP PEOPLE – I’m pretty sure that my stress pimples are a result of the guilt I suffer on a daily basis from the lies I am about to divulge):
1) I stole $2 from my Mum’s purse because I desperately wanted the final egg person from the toy coin dispenser to complete my set and when she queried where I had got the money from, I told her that I found it on the front lawn of the next door neighbour. She then made me go next door and give them the $2 I “found in their front lawn.” – so not only do I feel bad for stealing and then lying to my Mum, but I also feel bad for then giving her money away to the neighbour to keep my lie covered up.
2) I arrived at school on a Monday morning and a boy in my class told me he saw me on Saturday night sitting next to my letter box, pretending to be a wolf by howling at the moon, and I told him, “As if that was me you loser! It must have been one of my freak sisters, they do immature things like that all the time because, you know, like, they’re immature babies.” To this day that loser must think it is in fact one of my sisters that is insane, and not me. Oh the guilt – who’s the loser now.
3) One sunny Sunday afternoon I went to the park to play with the neighbourhood kids (aka meet my best friend and discuss adulty things and point out all the other kids acting immature), to be greeted by my best friend saying, “Your sisters just gave my brother [who was in year 7 and two years above us] a love letter they said you wrote to him!” Being so embarrassed by the fact that I had a crush on her brother and wanting to desperately deny the fact that I had spent 3 hours the night before writing a love letter and drawing little pictures all over it of her brother and I being a couple, I again blamed my sisters – telling her that they obviously wrote it themselves as a cruel joke to both myself and her brother. My poor sisters, who were only trying to bring true love together, must by this point have been certain I would do and say anything to protect my own reputation [oh yeah – that also reminds me of the time I used McCool as a shield to a charging dog that looked like it was going to attack us… and then it bit her, but on y va].
And so, because I am a kind person (although that doesn’t guarantee I won’t use you as a shield if my life depended upon it) and I don’t want you to have to suffer with the guilt of having told a lie, I’ve set out below, what I can only assume are common situations in which we are all likely to find ourselves in where one may be prone to lying in, and then show how easy it is to just tell the truth!
You’re due to have brunch with your friends at 10am on a Sunday morning and you wake up to a text at 10am saying “Hey, I’m here – are you close?”.
- Resist the urge to text: “Yeah, about 5 minutes away!” Whilst jumping out of bed, grabbing your keys and running out the house in last night’s clothes.
- When in fact the truth is: “Oh bullocks! I just got to bed like 2 hours ago and I was fast asleep! I look like hell so give me at least 30 minutes to try and turn this around.” Then 5 minutes later, “In fact, make that 45 minutes, I just stood up and I’m still drunk.”
It’s Saturday afternoon, your friend knows you have no plans for the night and asks you if you want to go out.
- Resist the urge to inform them: “Actually, there is a terribly important problem going on somewhere in the world, people are dying, starving and cold, and I feel I must stay in tonight to devise a way to fix all of this and to also make world peace at the same time – I couldn’t possibly go out and have fun when I know there are problems like this going on in the world. Peace man.”
- When in fact the truth is: “I can’t be bothered putting on clothes tonight and I want to stay home and watch movies and unnecessarily eat an entire bag of sultanas on account of the world being a terrible place to live due to the few kilos I’ve put on and my stress pimples. Woe is me.”
You’re at your new boyfriend’s house and you realise that failing to mention you are gluten intolerant at lunch so that he wouldn’t think you’re annoying was a bad move, because now you can feel the onset of fartingitis (and you know they won’t be silent), and you are trying this new thing with said boyfriend, where you act like a proper lady, so you start to freak out.
- Resist the urge to: pretend you forgot to feed your rabbits and must immediately leave to go and feed them, otherwise you will start to cry over their hunger pain, and say as you’re running out the door, “I just care so much about the animals, it’s an emergency!”
- When in fact the truth would be to tell him: “I’m sorry, but I can’t actually eat gluten, and now my insides are dying because I was trying to be impressive to you, but eating whatever you do, and I’m sorry, but there are about to be some horrible noises if I am to continue hanging out with you.” Then fart like a mo-fo.
I can guarantee you that opting for the truth option will ensure that you will never be doubted and always trusted, perhaps on occasions at the cost of your dignity… but I would prefer to live in a world with undignified truthful people then dignified deceitful people. Just saying.