McNurse, McCool and I have recently begun taking turns in sending a word and its definition to each other every day; a word that we have in one way or another come across that we previously hadn’t seen or on a prior occasion perhaps had been too lazy to look up its meaning. We cleverly call this little activity Word of the Day!
I have decided to start another récidivistes (and since this récidiviste will be all about learning new words, let me clarify that récidivistes is French for repeat offenders) - yet this one, you may want to avoid. I’m just saying.
[drum roll] Introducing – Words of the Week! My creativity and wittiness never ceases to amaze me. I have decided to use the 7 new words I have learnt in a week to write a short story (but don’t worry, I won’t do it EVERY SINGLE week). I apologise in advance for the quality of the creativeness, but with the warning that you should not expect anything spectacular, do not try to sue me when you lose a few brain cells as a consequence of having read one of my short stories.
Here it goes…
Once upon a time a toad and a cat lived together in a town called McCracken. They chose to live in McCracken on account of Cat thought it would be funny to live somewhere that sounded like “my crack”. Cat and Toad had started off as just friends, but because they were both horny little buggers, Cat and Toad became lovers. Often Cat would embrocate Toad’s back until he fell asleep at night, and in the mornings they would go out for soy cappuccinos and brunch together.
There was just one problem. Toad thrived on schadenfreude. As a result of this quite devilish quality, Toad would often play practical jokes on Cat which unfortunately for her would often render her lackadaisical. With her interest in Toad diminishing, Cat had begun to venture out on the town, to escape from Toad when he had played a particularly horrible joke on her and to ascertain what the men market was like, so to speak. The men she met would often ask her of her plans, and in an effort to not divulge her lover status, she would dance around the specifics of her plans in a rather circumlocutory way. For example, when asked once what she had done with her day, Cat replied “Well it’s not that I went to brunch alone, but whether I went to brunch with someone is not necessary to know, that I ate brunch is accurate.”
However, Cat was determined not to vitiate her relationship with Toad, because despite his devilish quality, she also found him quite endearing. He was always telling her silly little jokes. One she particularly liked was when she asked him, “What’s up?” and Toad replied, “The birds in the sky!!” “Haha, crack up!” Cat thought. Thus, every night, Cat would go home to my crack, and embrocate Toad until they fell into love making; which even Cat herself admitted was pretty good [but not quite amazing].
One day, Cat realised that Aunty Flo was late with her monthly visit. A special cat pregnancy test confirmed she was pregnant. She went to see a doctor, and the doctor was acataleptic in his prognosis of the pregnancy, as he had never once before come across a pregnancy the result of a different species mating. In fact, the doctor was quite taken aback when a speaking cat came into his office, however, he was always very professional and simply said, “Goodness, I have never before come across a speaking cat before, but what is it that brings you into my office today?”
Whilst trying not to show any sign of utter disapproval at the choice of Cat to take a toad as a lover, the doctor indeed confirmed that Cat was pregnant but was regretful to have to inform Cat that he would be unable to predict with any certainty how this freak of nature she and Toad had created would turn out. Of course he apologised for having called her miracle a freak of nature, but even Cat agreed that it was and so was forgiving. Until that is, the doctor said, “The chances of survival are slim, but know that I will pray to God for your little freak of nature tonight.” Cat, being somewhat of an iconoclast, was offended and proclaimed in disgust, “How dare you pray for my freak of nature to some made up character in a story book! I’m outta here!” And with that, Cat clicked her paw fingers, moved her head from side to side, and stormed out.
As it turns out, Cat delivered a healthy tad-kitten some time later (despite Toad having told her the baby was dead after she gave birth, hoping to gain some pleasure from the pain such news would cause her). It came as no surprise to both Cat and Toad that they had managed to create quite the freak of nature, but they were accepting of their new baby nonetheless and the three of them lived happily ever after in my crack.
Circumlocution: the use of many words where fewer would do, especially in a deliberate attempt to be vague or evasive.
Schadenfreude: pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune.
Embrocate: to moisten or rub with a liniment or lotion.
Lackadaisical: without interest, vigour or determination; listless; lethargic.
Acatalepsy: uncertainty in the diagnosis or prognosis of diseases.
Vitiate: To make ineffective; invalidate.
Iconoclast: a person who attacks cherished beliefs, traditional institutions, etc., as being based on error or superstition.