I am a vivid dreamer. So much so, that when I was little, and the logical part of my brain was still developing, I sometimes couldn’t distinguish between memories that my brain created while I was awake, from those that had formed while I was sleeping, in “McAwkward land”.
I swear to god that I actually hooked up with James Dean once and that we spent the afternoon reading books, smoking, taking pictures of each other and generally just being best friends… But then my prefrontal cortex kicks in and I realise that it isn’t possible that that particular memory is an accurate reflection of actuality.
The photo I took of James that one afternoon. Or is it….
We once had some family friends over. The children were all out playing somewhere, and I was inside with the adults pretending to be all grown up (I always acted years beyond my age, until the age of 20, when I started going backwards to make up for lost time). The adults were talking about something which had them all engaging in a bit of a chuckle, I didn’t get it. But I wanted to be involved so I decided to tell them a funny story that would make them all laugh and then I could join in on the laughter as well. It was my time to shine.
“Hey Mum! Remember that time when you were chasing me around the house with a knife threatening to cut my tongue out! Oh my goodness, it was so funny! Do you remember how I was terrified because I thought you were actually going to cut my tongue out, and that I hid under the mattress for hours for fear that if I came out I was going to be tongueless as a result of a brutal attack by you!”
I was roaring in laughter. However, upon closer inspection of the adults in the room, I realised that I was the only one laughing. Bullocks! That did not go to plan.
Mum, “Ummm. What on earth are you talking about?”
Yikes – awkward. Mum had to explain to me that she had in fact never chased me around threatening to cut my tongue out, and that it must have been a dream. Meanwhile, the other adults in the room didn’t know whether to laugh on account of the fact I couldn’t tell the difference between McAwkward Land and reality; or whether they should get the hell out of there and call child welfare.
A result of being a vivid dreamer is that I have always been fascinated with notions of reality, and thinking about how do we truly ever know whether our memories, or perceptions of the world, are “real” to everyone, or just ourselves?
Initially I just use to think about the difference between dreams and reality, and how it is only because of the logical part of my brain that works while I am awake that I can differentiate between memories of dreams and memories of reality. That lead into thinking – what if I only think I have a logical part of my brain that makes this distinction; and in actual fact, I still don’t get it right sometimes, and a lot of my “real” memories are just dreams?
Then, even if I have made the differentiation, what makes what happens outside of my dreams “reality”. Reality is said to be made up of real things, facts and events, but how do I ever truly know what reality is if all I know is my own perception and interpretation of those real things, facts and events? That’s when I started to learn about actuality. Actualism is the philosophical position that everything there is – everything that can in any sense be said to be – exists, or is actual.
Actual existence – fascinating!
There are plenty of theories out there about what it is for a world to be actual. My interpretation of things is that reality is our own perception and interpretation of actuality and no one can therefore ever truly know what actuality is – it is a ‘world’ that exists, but that we can only ever truly know our interpretation of. Meaning my dreams are just as much a reality as my day to day interpretations of actuality.
And I think that is where I should stop thinking. Questioning our reality too much would probably lead us down a dangerous path of multiple realities, no realties or just plain old loopy town (I feel I may have already checked into loopy town – I have a feeling you will probably agree). But questioning our reality a little has its purpose – for things like creativity, thinking ‘out of the box’, innovation and all that jazz. I think it also helps us to have tolerance towards people, because you realise that everyone just has their own interpretation of actuality, including yourself…. So who is to say that you are right, and they are wrong for example, when you have both simply just perceived the same thing in a subjective way.
As Carl Jung said, “In each of us there is another whom we do not know.” Or as Pink Floyd put it, “There is someone in my head, but it’s not me.”
Sanity and Cigarettes 