So when it comes to boys, I can be pretty awkward….
Guy leans forward to say goodbye with a kiss on the cheek… Wait a second, he’s coming in for a kiss on the lips… What to do, OMG! Quick need to distract him and avoid awkward kiss moment… “So this blue fence behind me, it’s new. This week.” Guy, leaning back, “Ummm, cool. Ok, see ya.”
“Bye.”
Awkward kiss moment avoided – success! Wait… I think I wanted to kiss him. Shit.
So that was only about two years ago. Backtrack even further, to my first boyfriend when I was eleven…
Walk on to school bus. OMG, Boyfriend is on the bus, and there is a space next to him, I guess I have to sit in said space. Awkwardly sit next to Boyfriend. Yikes, Boyfriend’s arm is going around me. Need to pretend I thought of something really funny in my head and lean so far forward his arm falls away.
“So, um, like I want to do stuff.” Innocent eleven year old me replies, “What do you mean ‘do stuff’?”
“Well you know, like kiss and stuff. And if you don’t want to then I don’t want to go out with you anymore.”
ARGHHHHHHHHH!!
In hindsight, what a dick!
So yes, I’ve always been awkward and what the kids at my school use to refer to as “fridgid”. But luckily, I have some pretty sweet moves and know all the right things to say now that I am of age.
Queue story from a few months ago.
I’m in a new bar, not sure why there are men and women lining up for the same toilets. Cute waiter walks past, “Excuse me, are these the toilets? There are men in here too!” Cute waiter proceeds to take me to a more suitable bathroom [a bathroom for awkward fridgids like me] via a lift. OMG, I’m in the lift by myself with cute waiter boy. Say something funny and cute…. “Hi. My name is McAwkward. What’s your name?”… “So, like, I have two pet rabbits. They are pretty cute. Been working here long? No? Cool. Yeah. Like stuff?”
It’s true. I have two pet rabbits. Old spinster rabbit lady in the making.
I decide that I must have cute waiter boy. I will kiss him too. How do I make this happen?
I go back to the bar a week later and “accidently” meet him again while I’m waiting in the toilet line. Great, he thinks all I do is go to the toilet. Oh well, he probably digs that. With liquid courage flowing through me, I write my number down on a coaster with my name and decide that I will give it to him before I leave. I feel really cool doing it too. In fact, I was cool – I was wearing my black boots. I accidently bump into him again in the toilet line, awkwardly say something about needing to go home soon [like he would be concerned about such a thing happening] and give him the coaster.
“So, I wanted to give you my number. I’ve never done this before, so don’t think I’m crazy or anything.” He says, “Well I guess that makes me lucky then.” (Thankfully, my artistic licence gives me permission to edit slightly what I actually said, which may have been a wee bit less cool).
I did it! I totally made a move on a cute boy and successfully lead him to believe I am not crazy, on account of the fact that I told him I wasn’t. Finally, success!
I even got a message from cute waiter boy and did a bit of the ol’ text messaging back and forth… Chuffed that I had gained the courage to give my number to someone interesting and cute, and heard back, I then felt a bit of pressure to keep being cool and totally not awkward. No, I wasn’t a child anymore, I could play this game… without any awkwardness! Queue the moment I thought sending the following message would be really witty and funny.
“I like crocodile jerky.”
Cricket. Cricket – the sound of no reply.
Woops.
Sanity and Cigarettes 